The unexpected ways the past returns.
“Hey boo”, a message so familiar. One that calls to my soul. I opened the message and tried to read it. My heart dropped. A wave of uneasiness washed through me, uninvited. The air around me thickened, pressing too close. It wasn’t just physical; it was emotional too. My body felt the weight of something it hadn’t fully grasped yet. It rose from deep inside me, like my body was trying to reject the truth before my mind had even formed the words for it. That kind of nausea wasn't about being sick, it was about knowing something had changed, something was not okay. The message read “she is in the hospital; she has a tumor and had undergone multiple surgeries already.” I don't remember if I breathed, or how many times I reread the same body of text hoping it would change.
The thought of seeing her again, especially under these certain circumstances, felt wrong. Even with the years stretched out between us, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Yet, I carried on with my routine aiming to study in the next hour. 1,2,3 the steps were familiar, yet my mind was lost in the memories of us walking home together pissing ourselves with laughter, or the thought of me yelling at her for making decisions that eventually led her to waste her youth, or the empty feeling of “this is it,” either way, it consumed me.
Sitting in the parking lot of the same high school that raised us, empty and quiet, yet I can just see us walking along the hallway. How strange, that the threat of sickness or death triggers the mind and body to break through the walls of the past. “Inhale, exhale,” I breathe through the waves of emotions wiping each tear away. We were once best friends. The kind that laughs at the dumbest shit and eats pasta after a night out, with the emotional closeness only two best friends can know. But as we stepped into our young adult years, our paths split apart under not-so-pretty circumstances. I think I processed what happened between us the best way I knew then, however as I reflect on it now, maybe there is more to understand.
“Happy Birthday to you,” we stepped into the room singing a song that carries unspoken wishes for health, joy, growth and good fortune. But why did it feel more like a reminder of everything being slowly ripped away? My body wanted to run, “who is this person?” I did not recognised her. I stepped forward and gave her a warm hug, both arms wrapped around her, it’s strange how familia she felt. “Hi, how are you,” what a silly thing to say, but here we are. Awkwardness filled the room; I swear it almost pushed me into the wall. Unsure of where to look, I tried to keep my eyes on a friendly figure with warm brown hair and blue eyelashes. It didn't take long for the silly jokes to fill the space. But the unspoken memories tried to wrap themselves around me, begging for attention. The familiar energy of long friendships finally sinks in, and the weight of the morning eased.
“Doreen are you ready to be a dad?” She said while telling us a tale about the silly things she said while under anesthesia. I remember emotions stirring deep inside me at the thought of her unconsciously thinking of me. More memories of our adolescence were shared along with personal updates of what each person is doing now. I swear the whole building was vibrating with laughter. She gave us a haul of the gifts she received today for her 31st birthday. I think this is my favorite part. As she goes through each of her gifts, a strong sense of needing to know more about her situation was getting louder, I wanted to know details, I needed to know for sure this threat is handled. She’s lost track of her memories, so information from her is unreliable. As we said goodbye and exited the room, I don’t think I left the same person as before I walked in, or maybe even long before that.
So now as I write this to process today, I am grappling with how to hold it today. How do I even begin to place this moment in the compartments of my mind? Where does it belong, under grief, nostalgia, confusion, anger, or all of them at once? And what do I even do with it? I felt nausea through me, sudden and quiet, like the wave I didn't see coming. A part of me wants to tuck this day away, somewhere I won't keep stumbling over it. But another part of me keeps asking, what exactly about this situation stirring so much inside me?
Maybe it's not just about today. Maybe it's the past, returning to a form I didn't expect. This friend was my best friend once, during the raw, formative years of adolescence, and not ending it on good terms. Could it be that some part of that chapter was never properly processed? Could this encounter be unearthing of what I thought had long been buried?
I am not afraid of death, not really, not in the usual sense. But seeing her today, like that, something in me shifted. Am I grieving her condition, or what we lost long ago? Perhaps it’s both, tangled so tightly I can’t tell them apart. Am I angry because she drifted from a path we once vowed to share? Finally, how do I hold myself in this? In this tender, tangled space where nothing feels resolved, where love, regret, resentment, and sorrow are all holding hands?